20 Random Facts About Nicki C.

So I found this list of 30 things that should help expose more of my personality and I thought I'd try it. Check out the full list here. 

http://cherishinghopesanddreams.blogspot.com/2012/01/30-things.html

The first thing on the list is 20 random facts about me. :) So here I go :) 

1) When I was a kid I was a witch for Halloween around 6 times. I don't know why, but I loved being  a witch. (no pun intended) 

2) I'm still friends with my first crush. I still have a crush on him. Shhhhh. 

3) I am usually the one to apologize and try to mend a friendship. Friendships are so important to me and I dont like to walk away from people. I'd rather apologize than save face. 

4) I will randomly text people I love and tell them why and how much I love them. I've had friends worried I was suicidal because of it. I guess it's not a common practice unless you're saying goodbye. But I want people to know how great they are, and how much I love them. 

5) I am currently going through some of the hardest things I've ever experienced. 

6) I'd love to write a book, preferably an autobiography, but I have no idea where to begin or where to focus my subject on. There is so much I could talk about. 

7) In first or second grade I had to write a book report on Abe Lincoln and thought he was such an amazing man that I wanted to marry him. I was very sad when I found out he was dead and that was never going to happen. 

8) I love nightgowns. 

9) When I was a kid and actors died in movies, I thought they really died. I partially wanted to become an actress because I wanted to learn the art of  resurrection. 

10) I also believed that all of our lives were story books and when we were awake was when our book were being read. I still think that's a cool idea. 

11) I spent a lot of time alone in high school. It's weird to think about now that I have so much trouble being alone for too long. 

12) The idea of being a red neck is very appealing to me. Not the missing teeth, weird part, but the muddin, hunting, riding horses and drinkin beer part. I dont know, they seem to have more fun. 

13) In my opinion, one of my best attributes is my ability to overcome tough situations. I wish I would have just had this skill, instead of learning it, but I'm thankful for it none the less. 

14) I have no idea where my impressive ability with children of all ages (legit all ages) came from. 

15) One of my favorite memories from high school, comes in the form of an old man I use to make cookies for and hang out with after school everyday. He would tell me about his life and I would listen. I miss him. 

16) When my friend Genevieve came to visit when we were 20 years old she said to me , "you havent changed a bit. You're just as boy crazy as you were the first day I met you" That made me look at my entire life from a whole new perspective and make some serious changes. Although I still really like men, and admire them greatly (They're just great) I have a lot more respect and love for myself. Standards, yo. 

18) I've changed the way I spell my name twice. Originally it was Nicki, and then in high school, on a quest for my identity I changed it to Nikki, and then when I moved to Arizona I seized the opportunity to go back to Nicki; however, it became so confusing that I just stopped caring how people spelled my name. Except Nicolette, there is no "h" in Nicolette. That is important. 

19) In my early 20's I dated a man that I was completely crazy about. He lived 2 or 3 hours away (I cant remember) and the last time I saw him I didnt want to let go. He asked me why and I said, " I feel like I'm never gonna see you again". I never saw him again. I think about that moment a lot. 

20) I love my name. My full name. I think it's perfect and although I have every intention of taking my "hypothetical" husbands name, I definitely wish I could marry someone with my last name that I had no relation to whatsoever just so I could keep my name intact. Is that crazy? I dont care. 

So there you have it... 20 random facts about me. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it gives you a bit of insight into who I am. 

Do Not Worry About Tomorrow...

I talk a lot about not worrying about things and picking and choosing what to worry about.  So I figured maybe it was time for me to share my philosophy (If I can even call it that) on worrying, and where it came from.

Naturally, I cant do anything without telling a story first. I’ve accepted this about myself.  I hope that you, reading this can accept it as well.  I use to be a person who worried about everything. Worry would literally cripple my life. I would worry about big things, surgeries, death, relationships, school, and then I’d worry about little things. Stupid things, like why did my boyfriend look at me like that at breakfast. Or why did I take that route home instead of this route. My life was literally exhausting and the big things were too much to even comprehend because I was spending all of my time and energy stressing on the little things. And then I was introduced to a bible verse. The irony in this is at the time I wasn’t even sure if I believed in God. I had a lot of questions and I had no idea where to look for the answers. But God put in front of me a man in seminary school that was incredibly gracious and patient with me. He showed me what Jesus is supposed to look like when it comes to grace and patience. I am very thankful for the time I had with him.

The verse is “Therefore do not worry for tomorrow for tomorrow will worry for itself. Sufficient for the days its own troubles. “ Matthew 6:34. At the time I saw this only as good advice. I mean how can you argue with it. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow isn’t promised to you. Tomorrow will work it’s own things out. Focus on your issues of today. Okay. I can work with that. I never expected it would have the impact it’s had on me.

So I did focus on it. I made a point to only do what I could do in a day. To not freak out about what I couldn’t do. I one time had an ex boyfriend who was fantastic at living in the moment. I asked him how he did it and he said, “When you’re in a moment be in that moment. If you’re doing dishes, do the best damn dishes you’ve ever done. If you’re with friends put your phone away and be with your friends. If you’re doing homework, do it the best you can in that moment and leave the rest alone.” I really put this into practice. I worked really hard on focusing on the moment and not worrying about what I couldn’t control.

So each day I think about what’s ahead of me. What I need to do that day. And I think about what is most important, what is more urgent that needs to be done. I make a list of things to do and I start them. I very rarely get them all done and that’s okay. I’ve done everything I can for the day. I find freedom in knowing that tomorrow is going to come whether I am ready for it or not. There is no sense in worrying about it because eventually it will all work out. That is not an excuse to not try, that is not excuse to not work hard or follow through with your responsibilities. What it is though is permission to relax. Relax. That thing you’re worried about….with hard work and constant movement forward it will work out. All you need to do is trust and try. Get out of bed and keep going. It will work out. 

However, there are times where this is hard for me to remember. It’s hard for me to follow through with. Life has gotten too hard and too exhausting for me to see past my worry. In those moments  I came up with a formula; if you will, when I find myself worrying about something. When I cant think of anything else, when it's consuming my every moment, I ask myself three questions.

1.       Are you doing everything you can?

a.       If the answer is yes..

                                                               i.       Then why are you worrying?

b.      If the answer is no

                                                               i.      Then why aren’t you doing more?

If these questions don’t work for me, If I’m still overcome with grief or worry. I think back on the hardest time of my life. I really think about it. I think about how horrible it was, how it made me feel. How I never thought I’d get through it, I let the grief come back temporarily and then I remember…that it worked out too. Maybe not the way I wanted it to. But it did. Life moved on, the situation is now in the past and so will whatever it is that is bogging me down now.  I just need to focus on today. I need to not worry about how my situation will turn out, because it will turn out. With determination and constant effort it will work out. Breathe.

It is this philosophy, this verse , that has helped me never to give up. I have wanted to, even recently I have wanted to.  But I know that if I focus on today and the promises given to me today that tomorrow will come and everything will work out. And if tomorrow doesn’t come. Well, then I have nothing more to worry about.  J

Lessons learned.

It's been over a year. Not intentionally, but it happened. I really wish it hadn't because so much has happened in this last year that I wish I had shared with everyone while it was happening. But to be honest, I forgot about this blog. I don't know how I forgot about it, but I did. And then my cousin Jennifer sent me a message and said she came across it. And it's been my own words that have reminded me who I am and what I am capable of. It's been my own words that I needed to hear.

This last year has been one of the most amazing, emotional, heartbreaking,beautiful, tough years of my life. I cant believe it was only a year ago that I told my ex goodbye. It also means it was a year ago that I told my father goodbye as well. It was a year ago I started my internship at my church, which has now ended.

I learned a lot in this last year. I learned how to listen. To really listen. To stop and allow others to speak, value their voice and opinions. Through that, I've learned (and am learning) that I don't always need to talk. That sometimes I say more by not saying anything. I learned that sometimes I learn more by not saying anything. I learned the difference between emotions based on truth and emotions based on lies. I learned that not all emotions need to be reacted to.

 I also have learned how my emotions feel. What I mean by that is, I learned how my body reacts to specific emotions. We physically feel our emotions and when we know what we are feeling in our bodies we can understand our emotions better. And even combat or support emotions by changing how our bodies are reacting. For example: When I get defensive or angry I get really hot. Specifically in my chest and neck area. So when I start to feel that emotion, I am able to calm myself down and not over react. I then am allowed to approach the situation more calmly and logically. I am still working on this.

 Through this I have also learned to not to make decisions based on emotions. I have found when I am over emotional I make very poor choices. Instead of making decisions when I am emotional, I allow time to pass. That choice isn't going anywhere, it can wait. There is no sense in rushing it and possibly making a poor choice because I am emotional. Because I know that everything works out in time, it has allowed me to not feel like I need to fix things right away. This has allowed me to let things unfold and make the best choice for me. It truly has been life changing.

I have learned a lot of things this past year, and I hope I continue to share them with you all. That I dont take another year to write another blog. But for now, I think these speak volumes.